I’m falling out with a friend over an old sore subject for me and as long as I remember that that was the path I chose, it works. Mind you, reading through bits of this for sense once you know your OWN history – you get to pick a frame! Demanding an apology never got me anywhere before so I’m trying ‘letting it go’. Accepting that even within disability rights I have ‘kick me’ sign for some is hard but….it’s _my acceptance_ let it go.
My own PTSD is now often triggered by violations of my ‘rules/boundaries’. I have to deal with some pretty angry episodes when my lines get violated. I but ironically I was not an angry person in all the years of the unacknowledged abuse. Rather the reverse. THEY would have said I was at least extremely temperamental (those are the internal voices that keep you ‘down’. I understand my acted out anger as a wrong but nonetheless I’ve worked out -my anger is the inevitable result of learning that others had power and I was no longer prepared to let all my anger be internalised back onto me. BUT where do you put it and how do you use it if you are denied assertive power? I’ve seen it twist people whom society silences – when the ability to be assertive is doubly denied and I think the anger can start when you come to that realisation that power is there but are still in a minority group!
I wasn’t taught this because as with so many minorities – no one would dare put into a disabled person’s hands the fact that they ARE wronged -There seems to be a ‘rule’ that some people get to act out their anger and get away with it (often our abusers or caretakers) And that can make you angry but turning on them is a vicious circle. By the time I learnt that acting it out would get more abuse – and be misunderstood by medical personnel I was stuck. I can only start here. They gave me the power of writing to make themselves look good (“See what she can do’) and thought it would keep me up in my room and ‘out of trouble’. Once again: a person who hasn’t read a book right THROUGH and realised its real power! Writers bite!
Disabled anger, Black anger, Women’s anger, LGBTQIA anger, the worst thing is that it can get thrown back at us as unjustified even when we use it wisely. For me, THAT invalidation is the true killer when someone denies that true worth and valid anger. I used to write to ask for answers from others on this but only got more of those killer invalidations. NOW I write to express that _I_ validate an idea (within the limits of obvious adaptability to academic logic and ‘peer review!’) When I forget that I DO have a set of peers who have given me valid reviews and who don’t see my angers as unjustifiable I can frame them….. academics will lead me if I’m being extreme and I can assess their own bias more effectively than other types of criticism!
I keep trying to re-frame the hurts using history or politics or rights or identity politics knowledge atm because I’m feeling pretty beleaguered. Knowing how deeply you feel but also how you like to think academically, I guess I went the academics path because it’s the one that re-frames it fastest for me and it was bound to make you smile if nothing else!:
Sometimes it just makes me more cross that there’s all this knowledge and thought and generations of wisdom and people aren’t tapping into it and we’ve done all this before in the 16th century (heretics and all) and with all our modern areas of human knowledge added on people still narrow into little groups, but that’s really just my ignorant frustration with human limitation and the remains of an uneducated thinking style in my family whose limitations came out as frustration at everyone else’s stupidity. Though I cannot help wishing we could be sure he WILL learn that lesson in time. You’ve also demonstrated a greater wisdom than he could and something much more akin to those bits of the bible that he is overlooking. To some chauvinists a pregnant woman has a kick me sign purely based on her vulnerability AND her power! Getting beyond, “that’s just nasty” and onto a higher plane though? That gets my PROPS every time. I don’t believe in dismissing pain, in ‘It’s only….” (those words are a bully’s charter!) If we needed to mention it it’s valid and validation leads to powerful trains of thought! No wonder they are so quick to tell us pain is no big deal, eh?
I’m having a hard time with forgiving mainstream UK psychology for using CBT reframing in order to use on welfare reform victims (paying psychologists to push a company political agenda on the virtues of work and the inherent vice in worklessness : not at all innocuous and it’s all feeding a disgust with modern and uneducated logic so in some ways I’m using good old _16th century humanism_ to get there and that means I’m accessing whatever I can, theology, logic, psychology and diversity identity ideas to keep afloat myself. interesting side train there too – we need to re-frame their re-framing: they think they are doing the right thing but that doesn’t make it so but we’ll have to work on that…. and logic says any psych or expert on torture would be both appalled and able to unpack that!
As for taking the time? One reason I know it’s worth the time is that THAT sort of person who does not learn doesn’t think it is worth taking the time. I can’t help it and I LOVE doing what some call ‘talking too much’ but a little nasty voice in my head says, “Stop, they’ll think you’re stupid, wordy, daft, proud, showing off, a boffin…” But I tell my _self_ that the person who is feeling low probably heard those little voices too, I’d have been unstoppable! And what if I’d done every thing I was ever told not to do?! I look in the teen fantasy fiction section tells me that the interests and music (folk music and history, classics and fantasy) that were fuelling a romantic heart, full of myth and magic, yet were all ‘encouraged’ to “not to have my head in the clouds” by the very people who wanted me to be a writer. Did they think sensitive, abused (and absurd) , imaginative person could be a writer if what MAKES a writer a writer is gone? Inevitably, I start off trying to put one thing into words to maybe heal a little and end up healing myself even more! And everything you need to know about my people is in the fact that “You only try to help to be the centre of attention!” and “Nobody does anything for unselfish reasons.”