Fighting Back on ‘Gas lighting”.

Abusers ALWAYS play on anything they can. ESPECIALLY mental health. Even if you were mentally well when they began it, you WILL doubt your sanity by the end or they will know the reason why.  ‘Gaslighting’ (telling someone they are mentally ill and imagining things) is the reason that in the end I had to admit to myself that my mother AND sister in law were abusers. You would think that if two people say you are ‘so x’ or ‘so y’ and they say the same things it must be true, but on the other hand, maybe they are just equally ill.

Though I am free of them, I worry I will never be free of my PTSD or its effect on my husband. Its effect on me, a person who agrees that all domestic violence is wrong, is not pretty. Whilst I was on the medication my sister-in-law encouraged me to take to ‘control’ me and make me ‘a nicer person’ (i.e. compliant and doped up)   The drug the doctors thought would ‘cure me’, I had accepted because I respected my sister in law’s age, experience, and wisdom and had total faith in her love for me and her ‘having my best interests at heart’.

I have lashed out.

Such is the woman who fights back against abuse, loses and loses her self-respect in doing so. Such is the shame of the woman who cannot escape a relationship she was sold into because there are no refuges that will take a disabled women and that once married off in a society that treats disabled people as parasites; she cannot escape. To find that the extent of official support is to be told “how would you manage on your own?” or ” Just get a cat,” is to be faced with your abuser year after year because they put a better act on than you do.

I am scum, or so they taught me, I deserve to be hit if I ‘annoy people’ or so they told me, ‘I’m the problem’ or so they told me. ‘We are only doing this because we love you’, …. ‘I don’t care what someone else has done to her, the state she’s in isn’t _my_fault’,….. “You should get rid of her’, ‘She’s manipulating you’, …. ‘She’s not part of OUR family’, “We were all fools” [to give up abusive contact]…. “You are not my responsibility any more’,

Nor are THEY my responsibility any more.  I am deaf to this now.  I am loveable and I some day I WILL LOVE!

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